a plan, a roadmap if you will for the rest of my life!

Okay, so maybe not the rest of my life, but for the foreseeable future at least.

Wait...this is me we're talking about. My life changes too much and too quickly to commit even that far out.

Anyway...I have a plan.

Now what was it...?

Oh yeah. But first, some background...

Oh come on, you knew there would have to be a setup? You guys aren't new..you know how I am.

Somewhat.

Well, some of you might be new, but if you've read previous blog posts, then you have a good idea how I am.

To a degree.

Okay...so...background. I've got several facets of my personality that seem to always be at odds with each other. I'm a writer...sometimes I wish I weren't, sometimes I resent the mechanics of it and the constant pull I have to express myself through words, but it is what it is and I am who I am, so I deal and wrestle with that reality.

Then there's the designer part of me...I am passionate about designing my jewelry and want the whole world to see it. What I'm not passionate about is going out and selling it.

For the longest time, I thought that there was something really wrong with me. How can you write and then not submit? How can you design jewelry and then not sell it? Why am I so passionate about one half and equally dispassionate about the other? Other people don't seem to have this issue. Sure, they don't like selling themselves or their work, but they aren't almost paralyzed by detest for the idea. Why am I so different? Why do things that seem so normal to everyone else seem crazy or completely not appealing to me?

Well, now I know.

I am an introvert, and if you've ever taken a Myers-Briggs personality test, more specifically, I'm an INFP (Introvert iNtuituive Feeling Perceiving). Only roughly ONE TO THREE PERCENT of the people on this planet are INFPs.

Which means...guess what? I am odd and not like most people...but for a reason! LOL

Things that don't effect most people, effect me. I feel and I feel deeply. Something said to you might not phase you, but when said to me shakes me to my core. Yeah, I know, you're rolling your eyes and thinking, "there she goes being all sensitive again"...

Ya know what? Spare me.

Those of you who know me, I want you to think for a minute. Have you EVER heard me accuse someone of feeling too deeply or being too sensitive about something?

Go ahead, think about it. I'll wait...

Uh huh...you can't think of anything, can you? There's a reason for that. Because to me, there is NO SUCH THING as feeling too deeply or being too sensitive. For you extroverts that's hard to grasp and you don't "get it". I would bet the farm that I get what it is like to be like you WAY more than you get what it is like to be me. Most extroverts need the outside stimulation of crowds and people and being the center of attention for their feelings to really work, to feel alive. Without that stimulation, things are muted, washed-out.

But I don't need all that. I feel alive just from being alive. Adding more stimulus to my already strong feelings is overload for me. Sure, there are times when I can hang with the greatest of extroverts, but even then, when it's all over and it's quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts, I realize how exhausting and stressful the situation was for me, even if I enjoyed myself at the time.

I don't expect you to understand me. There are times when I don't understand myself. But what I do expect is for you to accept me for who I am and to not try and change me. I'm not a project for an armchair psychologist. I don't have major issues that need to be worked out before I move forward. I don't need to buy out the self-help isle at Barnes and Noble. I know you feel that since I am so different from you and seemingly everyone else, then I must obviously need fixing. Um, no. I'm just different, and you can either accept and embrace (or at least tolerate) my differences, or I will move on and find others who will. Or I will just move on and not bother. Just depends on my mood that day. The point is, I can FEEL that you are trying to change me, and that makes me FEEL like I'm not good enough, even though I know there is nothing wrong with me. Make sense now?

But no matter the mood, no amount of advice, admonishment, lecture or threat is going to make me change who I am. If anything, it is going to make me want to not be a part of your life. I spend the better part of my life dealing with the external pressure of life; I turn to my friends and family for support and refuge from all of it. But if you, my friends, are going to be part of the pressure, then I guess I need to seek support and refuge elsewhere.

Okay, so that's the background. Oh, and this was not aimed at any one person or group of people in particular. It's just something that's been weighing heavily on my mind lately and I needed to vent. But if you recognize yourself in anything I said, well...

So, back to my roadmap. Simply put, I've put up with the above for much longer than I should have, to the point of giving silent permission for it to happen. That's not going to happen anymore. Knowing who I am and why I am the way I am means I don't have to make excuses or second guess myself anymore. It means I can choose to be someone else for a while (those moments when I choose to be extroverted...and believe me, they are moments and not an everyday occurrence) and then revert back to who I really am, someone who knows things but doesn't always know why or how, someone who is quiet and lost in thought a lot of the time (mainly because of the former) and someone who experiences things on a deeper level and wants nothing more than to share her feelings with someone else and/or the world. I just want to be me.

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Currently, I'm a college student working on my Master's in Adult Education and Training so I can go back to teaching. I'm also trying to keep my fledgling jewelry business afloat. Then there is the writing that I would *like* to do, but never seem to get around to doing.

Oh and then there's the "mom" thing, the "adult of the household" thing and the "friend/girlfriend" thing. Oh, and let's not forget my Facebook addiction...I've got crops to harvest, jewels to explode and typing races to win.

With that much going on...how in the name of Brian Boitano do I find time to let self-doubt creep in?

I've got an A average in school, jewelry is really starting to take off, and I'm chalk full of ideas and post-its galore as proof of this. The kids are healthy and in one piece, we have a roof over our heads (and sometimes it's even clean!), food on the table and clothes on our backs, and I'm pretty sure my relationships with my friends are good.

So, why do I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere?

I'll be the first to admit that I am an impatient person who thrives on instant gratification in most things. An exception: payback/revenge. That I like to take my time with...I prefer the mindf*** over instant payback.

But I digress.

The thought that I've got another year of school makes me wanna cry. I want to be done NOW. Check that, I want to be done YESTERDAY!  I want a gallery, boutique and QVC to discover my jewelry and sign me to big contracts NOW! It's not that I'm not willing to do the work to get where I want to be...I just HATE that it all takes time.

Patience is NOT a virtue I have.

There was a time in my writing career that if you googled my name, the whole first page was me. Now, nada. The idea of pretty much starting from the bottom and working my way up (again) again makes me wanna cry. And that's if I'm lucky enough to have that kind of success again. And it doesn't help that I don't know what kind of writer I want to be when I grow up.

So, what's a girl to do? Just keep working I suppose. Keep my eyes on the prize and keep the faith that hard work and some luck will get me to where I want to be.

And stop writing cliches and looking for silver linings...

Dammit!

LOL

Yes, I took a month away from blogging because I ran out of things to say doing my 40/40/40. Those of you who read them on here, (Xanga) I'm sorry you missed the second half of the posts. For whatever reasons, I could not get things to post here and on another site that I blog. I'll post them when I get a chance, plus I'm still planning to revisit a few of them.

There's really nothing new going on in my life. I'm debating if I'm going to take on ScriptFrenzy this year (April). With the jewelry and school and life in general...I'm not sure I can fit it in...but I think I'm going to try anyway. I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment.

No new men, no new drama...just me doin my day to day thing. A couple of things on the news have me scratching my head, (Read: Rihanna taking Chris Brown back.)

Yes, I have an opinion about it. Sure, I'll share it since NO ONE is talking about it. LOL

I'm just gonna sum it up in one sentence...okay..maybe two: Those two need to not walk, but RUN from each other, because it's apparent they bring out the worst in each other, not the best. Both alledgedly have bad tempers, and if he can't keep from lashing back at her when she is attacking him, then he needs to walk. No, I don't believe a man should hit a woman EVER. But I also believe that a woman (or anyone for that matter) should never provoke someone to the point that they would want to hit them. It's a dangerous game these two are playing, and honestly I don't see how any good is going to come from it all.

And before all you violence against women advocates start to lash out at me, know this: I don't make these statements blind. They come from personal experience (and if you've been reading this blog for a while, you know of some of what I'm pulling my opinions from). So, if you wanna come gunning for me, have at it, but I will fire back, cuz that's how I roll.

Yeah yeah, I know. That was more than two sentences. But you know how I am. LOL

There was something else I was going to mention, but it escapes me now. When I remember what it was, I'll post it. I'm sure it was something else that would raise an eyebrow or two. Seems to be what I'm good at lately.

Later peeps!