Why am I old?

Okay...so you have NO idea what I'm talking about. I just plopped that sentence into the blogosphere without any setup what-so-ever. My bad. See...I've been mulling a thought over in my head for the last day or so and finally said to myself. "Self, you've been thinking about this for long enough...it's probably worthy of a blog post". Since I try not to argue with myself too much (why should I argue with me when there are SOOO many others more than happy to be my opposition), I grabbed some more coffee and started typing away.

And you still don't know what in the hell I'm talking about. I know, I heard you think, "Ok Kim, this is all well and good and slightly entertaining (slightly? That cut me...) but can you get to the point?"

Fine. Ruin a perfectly good setup. See if I care. I offer you a blog post and all you can do is rush me through it. Sometimes I don't know why I even bother.

Ok...whine over.

Where was I again?

Oh yeah...the point of the post.

Diva and I were at a store earlier this week and as we perused the clothing section, this is what I found:

1. leggings
2. skinny jeans
3. oversized sweatshirts, t's and sweaters...in bold colors
4. bright socks and hairbands
5. canvas tennis shoes

Diva and I were both eyeing the clothing selections, but with very different views. She was loving it. I however was wary with a slight twinge of dread.

Why?

Any of you who are old enough to remember when The Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers,, Night Court and L.A Law was NBC's Thursday night line up, know where I am going with this. For those of you who are not...

My youth has officially become the new trend of the next generation. Everything I mentioned was in my closet when I was Diva's age.

It's official. I'm old. When the hell did that happen? Yes, I know I'm 40 and that I have been an adult longer than I was a child. Yes, I know that Hair Band Metal (and Metal in general) have been trendy for several years now and that KTel has a gazillion "Best of the 80s" albums out. And yeah, I know that I have been an adult for more years than I was a kid...but damn I sooo was not prepared to see my youth paraded in front of me on the clothing racks.

Anyway, Diva picked up a pair of leggings and a oversized t-shirt and gave me the "can I get these" look. I nodded, knowing that one way or another, the clothing trend was going to make it into my house whether I liked it or not.

But I'm not totally old and there is still some rebellion left in me, so...

I bought 2 pairs of leggings and an oversized sweater.

For me.

Hey, it was fun the first time around...

a plan, a roadmap if you will for the rest of my life!

Okay, so maybe not the rest of my life, but for the foreseeable future at least.

Wait...this is me we're talking about. My life changes too much and too quickly to commit even that far out.

Anyway...I have a plan.

Now what was it...?

Oh yeah. But first, some background...

Oh come on, you knew there would have to be a setup? You guys aren't new..you know how I am.

Somewhat.

Well, some of you might be new, but if you've read previous blog posts, then you have a good idea how I am.

To a degree.

Okay...so...background. I've got several facets of my personality that seem to always be at odds with each other. I'm a writer...sometimes I wish I weren't, sometimes I resent the mechanics of it and the constant pull I have to express myself through words, but it is what it is and I am who I am, so I deal and wrestle with that reality.

Then there's the designer part of me...I am passionate about designing my jewelry and want the whole world to see it. What I'm not passionate about is going out and selling it.

For the longest time, I thought that there was something really wrong with me. How can you write and then not submit? How can you design jewelry and then not sell it? Why am I so passionate about one half and equally dispassionate about the other? Other people don't seem to have this issue. Sure, they don't like selling themselves or their work, but they aren't almost paralyzed by detest for the idea. Why am I so different? Why do things that seem so normal to everyone else seem crazy or completely not appealing to me?

Well, now I know.

I am an introvert, and if you've ever taken a Myers-Briggs personality test, more specifically, I'm an INFP (Introvert iNtuituive Feeling Perceiving). Only roughly ONE TO THREE PERCENT of the people on this planet are INFPs.

Which means...guess what? I am odd and not like most people...but for a reason! LOL

Things that don't effect most people, effect me. I feel and I feel deeply. Something said to you might not phase you, but when said to me shakes me to my core. Yeah, I know, you're rolling your eyes and thinking, "there she goes being all sensitive again"...

Ya know what? Spare me.

Those of you who know me, I want you to think for a minute. Have you EVER heard me accuse someone of feeling too deeply or being too sensitive about something?

Go ahead, think about it. I'll wait...

Uh huh...you can't think of anything, can you? There's a reason for that. Because to me, there is NO SUCH THING as feeling too deeply or being too sensitive. For you extroverts that's hard to grasp and you don't "get it". I would bet the farm that I get what it is like to be like you WAY more than you get what it is like to be me. Most extroverts need the outside stimulation of crowds and people and being the center of attention for their feelings to really work, to feel alive. Without that stimulation, things are muted, washed-out.

But I don't need all that. I feel alive just from being alive. Adding more stimulus to my already strong feelings is overload for me. Sure, there are times when I can hang with the greatest of extroverts, but even then, when it's all over and it's quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts, I realize how exhausting and stressful the situation was for me, even if I enjoyed myself at the time.

I don't expect you to understand me. There are times when I don't understand myself. But what I do expect is for you to accept me for who I am and to not try and change me. I'm not a project for an armchair psychologist. I don't have major issues that need to be worked out before I move forward. I don't need to buy out the self-help isle at Barnes and Noble. I know you feel that since I am so different from you and seemingly everyone else, then I must obviously need fixing. Um, no. I'm just different, and you can either accept and embrace (or at least tolerate) my differences, or I will move on and find others who will. Or I will just move on and not bother. Just depends on my mood that day. The point is, I can FEEL that you are trying to change me, and that makes me FEEL like I'm not good enough, even though I know there is nothing wrong with me. Make sense now?

But no matter the mood, no amount of advice, admonishment, lecture or threat is going to make me change who I am. If anything, it is going to make me want to not be a part of your life. I spend the better part of my life dealing with the external pressure of life; I turn to my friends and family for support and refuge from all of it. But if you, my friends, are going to be part of the pressure, then I guess I need to seek support and refuge elsewhere.

Okay, so that's the background. Oh, and this was not aimed at any one person or group of people in particular. It's just something that's been weighing heavily on my mind lately and I needed to vent. But if you recognize yourself in anything I said, well...

So, back to my roadmap. Simply put, I've put up with the above for much longer than I should have, to the point of giving silent permission for it to happen. That's not going to happen anymore. Knowing who I am and why I am the way I am means I don't have to make excuses or second guess myself anymore. It means I can choose to be someone else for a while (those moments when I choose to be extroverted...and believe me, they are moments and not an everyday occurrence) and then revert back to who I really am, someone who knows things but doesn't always know why or how, someone who is quiet and lost in thought a lot of the time (mainly because of the former) and someone who experiences things on a deeper level and wants nothing more than to share her feelings with someone else and/or the world. I just want to be me.

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Currently, I'm a college student working on my Master's in Adult Education and Training so I can go back to teaching. I'm also trying to keep my fledgling jewelry business afloat. Then there is the writing that I would *like* to do, but never seem to get around to doing.

Oh and then there's the "mom" thing, the "adult of the household" thing and the "friend/girlfriend" thing. Oh, and let's not forget my Facebook addiction...I've got crops to harvest, jewels to explode and typing races to win.

With that much going on...how in the name of Brian Boitano do I find time to let self-doubt creep in?

I've got an A average in school, jewelry is really starting to take off, and I'm chalk full of ideas and post-its galore as proof of this. The kids are healthy and in one piece, we have a roof over our heads (and sometimes it's even clean!), food on the table and clothes on our backs, and I'm pretty sure my relationships with my friends are good.

So, why do I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere?

I'll be the first to admit that I am an impatient person who thrives on instant gratification in most things. An exception: payback/revenge. That I like to take my time with...I prefer the mindf*** over instant payback.

But I digress.

The thought that I've got another year of school makes me wanna cry. I want to be done NOW. Check that, I want to be done YESTERDAY!  I want a gallery, boutique and QVC to discover my jewelry and sign me to big contracts NOW! It's not that I'm not willing to do the work to get where I want to be...I just HATE that it all takes time.

Patience is NOT a virtue I have.

There was a time in my writing career that if you googled my name, the whole first page was me. Now, nada. The idea of pretty much starting from the bottom and working my way up (again) again makes me wanna cry. And that's if I'm lucky enough to have that kind of success again. And it doesn't help that I don't know what kind of writer I want to be when I grow up.

So, what's a girl to do? Just keep working I suppose. Keep my eyes on the prize and keep the faith that hard work and some luck will get me to where I want to be.

And stop writing cliches and looking for silver linings...

Dammit!

LOL